Dear Mom,
You crossed my mind again today... as if there is ever a day when you don't. Maybe it was because of the dream I had last night... maybe it was because I remembered back to this time two years ago and how different my life was... how different I was.
I wouldn't have thought I'd be here, living in South Carolina of all the seemingly random places... in Charleston... like the dance move you showed me during spring cleaning when I made that silly video of you and I laughed saying, "well I've never been there, so I doubt I'll ever need to know this dance". But here I am... married to my childhood sweetheart, blessed with three daughters... living in Charleston, South Carolina of all places.
And while so much has changed over these past couple years, there are parts that stayed the same... like this song from the CD you gave me because you said the album made you think of me and what I was going through during that worrisome period of my life. And my need to remind myself daily to cast my cares and lay them all down at His feet... instead of stubbornly thinking that I can do it all on my own... and failing on my own.
Thank you for the songs... and thank you for the lessons. I paid attention more than you thought... and I'm happy you taught me the Charleston dance. 💜
I miss you, Mom.
Love always,
"Pookie"
Dear God,
I almost didn't go to church today. Almost. We didn't go last Sunday because we were on a drive and then a plane... and then another plane... and then another drive back from a wedding that was well worth the sleep deprivation.
And then Wednesday came... Wednesday night... and I missed our weekly small group meeting because the baby was teething and cranky and I wasn't feeling my best either. So I stayed home with her. I shouldn't have, but I did.
And then this morning rolled around... even with that extra hour... the baby was still teething and irritable. I might as well have been teething and irritable too-- there's a noticeable difference in your spirit when you stop pressing in. I was reading my devotionals... I was praying... but where was my heart in all of this? I was short with my husband. Sometimes losing patience with the girls after a long day. Going through the motions without calibration. I allowed myself to feel depressed and wallow in sadness instead of claiming victory over it. I wasn't digging in. I felt it. The weight on your shoulders gets heavier the longer you stay in mindsets that steal your joy.
So, how did I so easily talk myself out of going?
"Ooh... I just heard the baby sniffle... I should probably stay home with her. She might cry during service and be disruptive... yeah, for the benefit of everyone else there, I definitely need to stay back with her...plus, she just whined again. So that confirms it. I'll watch the live feed instead."
But as I put off getting ready, there was a single thought that broke through the myriad of excuses... "Wouldn't that be even more of a reason to go? ...to a place where there's healing... to a place where there's prayer?"
I've found that usually the times when I hear an internal barrage of reasons NOT to be somewhere... those are the times when I really NEED to make sure I'm there. I started getting ready. I wasn't going to let the excuses win. I thought we'd be late. I hate being late. Another excuse creeping in... "You're going to be late anyway, so you just might as well not go at all."
I picked up my phone and texted my friend to say we'd be there. She might have been confused as to why I would randomly announce my attendance, but it was for accountability. I said I would be there, so I needed to follow through and show up. Surprise, surprise... we were actually early. [If you know us, you realize how much of a big deal it is.]
I knew I made the right decision.
Today, I was forced to ask some tough questions. To confront myself on a deeper level. To face some uncomfortable realities. One of the biggest being, "If you really believed He changed your life, you'd live your life differently." It was said with love, not condemnation. Not as a scare tactic. Not as a guilt trip. Love.Conviction isn't meant to tear down, but to build up. (Proverbs 27:17 - "As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.")
I'd much prefer being confronted with an uncomfortable truth that sharpens my spirit than any amount of cozy untruths keeping me complacent in stagnancy.
I needed to be there today. I know that God meets us where we are [and doesn't leave us there], but today I also needed to get over myself and meet Him where He is, too.
Sincerely,
this lump of clay--a work in progress
Lord, help me to be someone who digs in and does something for You. ♡
Kaleidoscopic Grace 