Dear Mom,
You crossed my mind again today... as if there is ever a day when you don't. Maybe it was because of the dream I had last night... maybe it was because I remembered back to this time two years ago and how different my life was... how different I was.
I wouldn't have thought I'd be here, living in South Carolina of all the seemingly random places... in Charleston... like the dance move you showed me during spring cleaning when I made that silly video of you and I laughed saying, "well I've never been there, so I doubt I'll ever need to know this dance". But here I am... married to my childhood sweetheart, blessed with three daughters... living in Charleston, South Carolina of all places.
And while so much has changed over these past couple years, there are parts that stayed the same... like this song from the CD you gave me because you said the album made you think of me and what I was going through during that worrisome period of my life. And my need to remind myself daily to cast my cares and lay them all down at His feet... instead of stubbornly thinking that I can do it all on my own... and failing on my own.
Thank you for the songs... and thank you for the lessons. I paid attention more than you thought... and I'm happy you taught me the Charleston dance. 💜
I miss you, Mom.
Love always,
"Pookie"
Dear Mom,
It's almost been 4 months since you left and although I haven't been writing as much, I haven't been thinking about you any less... and your absence hasn't been hurting any less either. I think it actually aches more the closer it gets to the baby being here... because you're not. And you were so excited about her making her debut on/around your birthday, too. I hope she does... wouldn't that be something?
You already know what she looks like, don't you? What color her hair will be... her eyes... the curve of her smile... will she be happy? I worry that all of the sadness I've felt with her growing inside of me... all of the missing you... somehow makes her sad too... like she'll be less content because of my mourning or that my grief passes through to her just like the nutrients from the foods that I eat. I don't want to give her anything but joy.
I know it sounds silly, but you always understood my thoughts when no one else could make any sense of them. I miss that. So many of our family members and friends have been reaching out with kindness, love, and encouragement the past months... they're so wonderful and I feel like I must be so ungrateful sometimes because despite everyone's best efforts, there's still that heartbreaking ache in my life without you. It's always there. I just want my Mom back.
I still try to call you. I've still even gone to message you one time when Dad was signed into your account to change your cover photo for you. It didn't even occur to me that it wasn't you... as if my mind hadn't processed the full extent of loss yet, or that my heart's acknowledgment reverted back to temporary subconscious denial somehow.
I know it's comforting for him to see your memories. He needs that. But it still hasn't sunk in... the past tense of it all. The realization that all of the memories that I have of you are all of the ones I will ever have. I wish we made more. I went to change my ringtone today... to a calmer one... and as I was going down the list, the tracks automatically start playing a preview of the clip... Jordan Smith's version of "Chandelier" from The Voice started chiming out and I absolutely broke down remembering the time we listened to that song on repeat for probably about three days or so, driving Dad a little bit crazy... but it was our thing.
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier From the chandelier I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist Like it doesn’t exist I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night Feel my tears as they dry I’m gonna swing from the chandelier From the chandelier But I’m holding on for dear life Won’t look down, won’t open my eyes Keep my glass full until morning light ‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight Help me, I’m holding on for dear life Won’t look down, won’t open my eyes Keep my glass full until morning light ‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight, on for tonight
We joked about how silly it would look to have people swinging from chandeliers and added it to our bucket lists... to swing from chandeliers while singing "Chandelier"... so I turned it into a ringtone for you, but it was eventually replaced by "The Goldbergs" theme song... our show.
The girls walked into the room as I sat there next to the pile of clean laundry I meant to fold, sobbing over the song playing... they knew I was crying because I miss you... they miss you too... so much.
"It's okay, Mom... we know you miss her. We miss Nonnie too."
I know that you felt bad about the past year... not feeling well enough to do as much as you wanted to with them, or take them to as many places as you'd have liked... I know you worried about the way they'd remember their time with you... but you shouldn't have.
Those girls adore you and remember so many wonderful thoughts, jokes, snuggles, and lessons you shared with them. We really were so blessed to have you in our lives... I just ache for the impossibility of more time with you on this side of forever.
I miss you, Mom. We all do.
Love always,
"Pookie"
Dear Mom,
I understand now how much our little creations meant to you.
Aria made this precious tree for me at school, not knowing that it was just the encouragement I needed.
I love her sense of perceptive compassion.
Thank you for being a shining example of how to be a Mom worth loving.
I guess I must be doing it right after all. ♡
I miss you.
Love always,
"Pookie"
Dear Mom,
I finally listened to the voicemail you left for me back in August.
It'll be the first year without the traditional duet from you and Dad (that I always looked forward to) and I ached to hear your voice.
I miss you more than my heart can express... I love you too. ♡
Love always,
"Pookie"
It feels weird to say “happy birthday” to him when I know that it’s not natural for him to be happy without you. You’ve never missed a birthday since the two of you have known each other… over 40 years.
I’m happy he was born. Without his birthday, he wouldn’t be here (obviously), I wouldn’t be here… the girls wouldn’t be here… and our lives wouldn’t exist as we know them… but it’s difficult to see silver linings when the sunshine is hidden away from the clouds. Reflections need light.
Today also marks Norah’s 20 weeks… and as Bon Jovi would say, “Whooooah, we’re half way there… whooo-OAH… livin’ on a prayer!”
20 more weeks (give or take) until we get to meet her. She’s 10 inches long and about the size of an axolotl (I had to look it up).
I wonder if you’ve somehow ‘met’ her already… I’m not quite sure how that works exactly, but I know you’re looking out for us. I can feel it.
We already love our mini-girl so much and were able to feel her rolling around and kicking last night.
Machaela said that she’s going to teach her everything she knows and train her to be her protégé. Aria said that she’s going to be the best big sister ever and she’s going to be nicer to her than Machaela is. I think they’re both going to do just fine when she’s here and holdable. They are always sure to include her in conversation… it’s the sweetest thing. You’d be proud.
I started knitting Norah’s blanket the other day… I work on it one row at a time when I can sneak a couple minutes away from life’s typical chaos. I hope it’ll turn out alright.
It won’t be as comforting as your lullabies or as warm as your hugs, but it’s a start.
I'm sorry for any confusion; there really hasn't been an appropriate time to make a special announcement with everything going on the past few months... so we were going to wait a while longer.
But my Mom's writeup in the "Morning Call" sort of made the announcement for us.
My Mom would have wanted it written that way, though. She believed that each life is precious right from the start... even before birth [and so do I]. She was already excited to meet her newest grandbaby in 2021... we talked about different name suggestions and their meanings; she was never bashful about telling me which combinations sounded weird or if the potential initials/monogram would spell out an uncouth acronym.
While I stood next to my Mom's bedside early Thursday morning, I leaned over to whisper the name we chose for our little girl. So, yes... "Norah Jane" is ours... and she is named after the most remarkable woman I've ever known... Patty Jane Terry. ♡
On Saturday, August 22, 2020, shortly before 4:30 PM, I stopped having a boyfriend. It wasn’t how I expected the day to turn out at all.
We made plans to meet a couple of our friends at the beach for the afternoon and then stop by their house later that night for a BBQ. The girls were excited about it all week… but then, Nathan informed us he had to work a half-day that day. I understood, but I was also a bit disappointed because I know how sometimes half days can turn into three-quarter days and I didn’t want the girls to miss out on going on the beach trip they’d been anticipating for so long.
In the morning, Nate reminded me that it was the ‘anniversary’ of the day we truly reconnected again… the random “go to bed” message I sent him that somehow led to the chain reaction of our shared life together. I was pretty darn impressed that he remembered… or even that he took the time to make a note of it. It’s not typically a ‘guyish’ thing to do, but he’s a “full of surprises” kind of guy.
The clouds outside were downcast. It even started drizzling as he left for work. Bummer. I prayed the rain would hold off a while so we could spend the day relaxing in the sand together. It was long overdue—especially after the summer it’d been. I caught myself in a daydream.
Aaaaand then I went into squirrel-mode trying to make sure everything was ready. I couldn’t forget the badminton net or the frisbee. There wasn’t a bag big enough for everything, so I just used the zippy bag from Aria’s bedding set… it worked well enough. Towels, check. Sunscreen, check. More sunscreen, check. Water bottles? Check. Ziplocs for collecting shells, check. I even sewed strings onto the girls’ sunhats so they wouldn’t fly away at the first strong breeze.
Am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah! A swimsuit coverup! I reached into the closet and grabbed the biggest, longest, frumpiest button-up shirt I could find, and threw it on. After all, it’s not like I had to impress anyone… it was just a casual day at the beach, not a beauty pageant, right?
Nathan pulled into the driveway as the girls and I were chomping at the bit all ready to leave. We were supposed to meet Heidi and Zac at the beach around 2, or so I thought. It turned out that they were meeting us at our house and THEN we were heading to the beach. That made sense too. Then, Nate told me that a few of our other friends would be there as well… I told him we should probably extend the invitation to Hannah, Kevin, Shasta, and Kimchi too and make it a group thing (I went off to find my volleyball… I’d been itching for a beach game anyway; there’s just usually never enough people) … but he said the others were busy. Maybe next time. I left the volleyball at home but remembered to quickly grab one of the books I’d been reading, “The Best Yes”. You can’t go to the beach without at least one book. It’s probably a rule somewhere.
Denise, Nick, and their crew (Tristan and Ella) showed up—followed shortly thereafter by Heidi and Zac. Everyone was in such a chipper mood for it being a gloomy-looking day. I chalked it up to coffee. Denise even took a few group selfies (which turned out great). It took us a little while to consolidate which beach we were going to and where we’d park since the island-parking-dictator-people recently limited beach parking in some areas… but we figured it out!
Windows down, our favorite Spotify playlist blaring, and smiles on, we were finally headed to the beach! As usual, I tried getting a few video snippets of our Jeep-karaoke session… Nathan really gets into Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” when the beat drops… I wanted to capture it, but he’s onto me now and as soon as my phone points in his direction, he puts on a stone face or pulls his hat down. *rolls eyes* No fun. I took a video anyway. He’d have to get over it… or I’ll have to be more subtle next time.
After a bunch of circling around the Isle of Palms, we all parked and trekked to the beach. For not exactly being a sunny day, it was still pretty crowded. Ick. People. Hahaha… just kidding. We DID try to find a more isolated spot though. And of course, the girls wanted to go right into the water. Which meant that I had to, too. I thought Nate would want to go in with us, but he stayed back a bit… and then left again. And was on his phone when we got there. That’s not like him. I was concerned that maybe something happened with work. Oh, please don’t make him have to go back in today… he seemed distracted.
Aria didn’t want me to put her down. Machaela wanted to go deeper into the ocean than where Aria was comfortable… I was torn. So I stayed back a little bit but made sure if there was an emergency, I’d be in lunging range… she wasn’t even that deep anyway, but my brain operates on perpetual Mom-mode whenever the girls are around. Nathan joined us for a few minutes and then left to go back up to where everyone was. Not gonna lie, I was a bit disgruntled because I really could’ve used the help. I wasn’t about to leave the girls down there alone and there’s no way they’d want to go back up to the towels so soon anyway. I don’t know how I hadn’t factored this dilemma into my expectations for the day hahaha.
After a while longer, I was able to convince them that drying off for a bit and getting a drink from the cooler was a good idea. As we walked up to where everyone else was, Denise said we should all go off and look for shells down the shore. Okay… my book can wait. You see, I just had a tiny bit of it left to read… and if you’re an avid reader, you’re probably familiar with that all-consuming feeling of being sooooooo close to finishing a book you’d been chipping away at for ages… I just wanted to get to the last page already so I could get it out of my mind and move on; the beach is usually the perfect spot for finishing novels.
I thought Nate was behind us, but when I turned around to talk to him, he was already headed back towards the other group of our friends… Okay? I guess he’s not looking for shells with us either. Denise said something about him going to set up the badminton net so we could play later. Okay. That made sense. The girls and I were really looking forward to it. I felt a bit guilty for being kind of upset about how distracted he seemed.
We strolled along for a while… seemingly farther and farther away from where we initially set up the umbrella. And I thought that I was big on walking the shore for shells, but the way Denise was going on about it was a whole different level. She seemed dead set on finding sand dollars to show the girls. It was sweet. Every time I mentioned about maybe heading back so we could all hang out together, she said that she needed to keep her promise to the girls. I couldn’t really argue with that…
Finally, she got a call and said that they finished setting up the net and were ready for a game of badminton… or frisbee… or whatever everyone wanted to play. Yes! It was perfect badminton weather. The sun was tucked behind the clouds instead of in our faces and the rain was holding off. Aria was covered in sand. I’m fairly certain she was even more sand than she was swimsuit. She ran off ahead of us. The closer we approached, the more confused I became… I didn’t see the badminton net anywhere… where in tarnation did they put it? Then, I remembered that I accidentally left the actual poles for the net part back at the house and felt really bad… of course they couldn’t have set it up… they didn’t have all of the pieces! *facepalm* … I felt bad that they must’ve spent all that time looking in vain while I was off gallivanting with the girls collecting shells. They didn’t seem phased though. Nate called me over to where he was and I saw a bouquet of red and white roses in the sand near the cooler.
I thought, “Oh wow… he’s really taking our “Reconnectiversary” to a whole nother level… and I didn’t even get anything to surprise him with… drat!” I was so confused. Our friends were standing around angled in our direction… even the girls stayed back a little bit. He reached down for the flowers and something else… an empty Corona bottle? I felt under-prepared and made a mental note to think of a way to try to make it up to him for going above and beyond for the anniversary of us reconnecting again… maybe a nice dinner? I honestly didn’t realize he’d make such a big to-do about it.
He told me to read the letter that was rolled up inside of the bottle… aweeee a message in a bottle! I didn’t realize that he wrote it on a scrap piece of paper, so I started to read the visible portion of text that was printed out on it… “Flex Login Enter Username???” He raised an eyebrow before realizing that I was reading the wrong side of the paper… “No, not THAT side… the other side!” We laughed. I felt silly. I was nervous and didn’t even quite understand why. I’m not much of a spotlight person, but I felt the heat of everyone looking at us as if knowing details that had yet to be revealed to me.
I started to read his remarkably legible handwriting… “Hello My Love, You’re most likely wondering why there is this message in a bottle for you…” Yes, yes I was wondering exactly that. [I’m not going to divulge everything that was written in the letter or even most of it, but I’ll share a few snippets. It was the sweetest thing I’d ever read from the sweetest man I’ve ever known.] As I read… “You and the girls mean everything to me.” … “You know better than anyone that sometimes a letter can explain things that we can’t in the moment…” He guided me closer and closer to the driftwood bench in the sand. [In the midst of it all, Machaela caught my attention to show me one of the shells she found, and Aria proudly showed off how covered in sand she was. I love them. Okay, back to the letter] … “We spend our whole lives looking for love. It took a while to look back at the 10-year-old me that told my mother ‘I’m going to marry that girl one day.’… … … I was right.” … … … “P.S. Will You?”
Is this…? Is he…?
As I lifted my eyes from the page, trying to keep my tears reined in, he got down on one knee in front of me and a heart that was drawn in the sand with “Will you marry me?” spelled out in seashells, God, the girls, our friends, and everybody else at the beach, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a little black velvet box—which he opened up to show the prettiest ring I’d ever seen, told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with us, and asked if I would marry him.
It took a moment to process what was happening… I was so overwhelmed with emotion I could barely speak, so I nodded—not wanting to keep him waiting… and said “Yes” while leaning in for a kiss. Then, I noticed a few of our other friends… the ones who were “busy” and “couldn’t join us” standing in the background holding cameras… it turns out that they had been there for hours before we arrived—hiding in the bushes with the bouquet of roses and their cameras (even to the point where they explained to the people nearby that they weren’t spying on them but were staying out of sight to be able to document their friends’ engagement) just so they could capture our special moment.
I couldn’t believe that everyone was in on it—even the girls! He had asked for their ‘blessing’ to propose to me… Machaela was even the one who hid the ring the whole time! My heart was overflowing… Hannah and Shasta spent hours crouched in the sand, Denise and Nick spent their own anniversary (yep, it was their anniversary that day!) helping out with our engagement, Heidi and Zac were gathering shells and keeping a lookout to make sure that the surprise didn’t get spoiled, Denise took a ton of pictures and a video from our perspective while distracting me long enough for everyone else to help stage the scene… and the girls kept the secret the whole time… how am I so lucky to be surrounded by this much love?
When I said “Yes,” I wasn’t just saying yes to being his fiancée. I said yes to our future… yes to our family… yes to the ups and downs and everything else that comes along with building and sharing a life together. While I didn’t get to finish reading the last chapter of my book during our time there, we started writing an even better one of our own. Ironically, its title couldn’t have been more appropriate: “The Best Yes”.
Dear diary,
I’m having tea and rice cakes with a mouse this morning to an episode of Downton Abbey. This isn’t at all how I thought I’d be starting my day; nor do I have any complaints.
I was running late…missed my alarm. Machaela tried waking me up before 6—a role reversal of sorts, but she’s an early riser. After what felt like only a few moments, my eyes opened and focused in on the digits of the clock…
7:12. 4 missed calls. Oops.
I jolted upright, had a few seconds of irrational panic, and spent the rest of the morning over-compensating for my tardiness. It was all a blur of limbs reaching for cereal boxes, putting the milk away, gently tugging on strands of hair to make braids for one daughter while the other just wanted hers to be brushed… water bottles… making sure they didn’t forget to wear pants (every child’s nightmare)… shoes… vitamins… *time check*… Oh! Feeding the dogs! I almost forgot!
It was two minutes past when we usually leave to head down for the bus. I was walking into the utility room for some kibble when I saw it. Our eyes met. It didn’t even run. I’d like to think that it identified a morsel of compassion through the windows to my soul. It might have even smiled—but probably not—in my mind though, when I think back… there was the hint of a smile.
I knew my Dad had snap traps set all over the house because there’s been a mouse at large (or small—as it were) … and just the thought of the little creature meeting its demise before it was old and grey-er… I knew I had to act fast. I quickly glanced around for something I could use… an empty plastic jug… perfect! Mind you, it was now 4 minutes past when the girls and I were supposed to leave, so I frantically spammed the unlock button on the key fob while unscrewing the lid of the jug with my other hand—cradling it for stability with my elbow. “Girls, get in the car—I’ll be right out!”
I caught the mouse. But didn’t have time to do anything with it. Or to even figure out step 2.
And then, I remembered that I forgot to get their snacks ready for the day… (or rather, my Mom reminded me as I was rushing out the door). So I grabbed the jug of mouse, 2 sandwich bags, and a stack of rice cakes… I’d assemble them in the car.
My plan was to release my new beady-eyed friend into the wild down at the bus stop. But it was cold. And I remembered my favorite cartoon growing up…"An American Tail”… and the song “Somewhere Out There” crept out from the confines of my innermost psyche… but we were thankfully on time for the bus. I quickly put together the girls’ snack bags for school as the bus was rolling into view and handed one off to each, blowing kisses and giving thumbs-ups to reinforce the tone of a great day ahead.
I waved the “I love you” sign as the bus pulled away—children safely in tow… and then waved to the curly-haired woman who always parks in front of me…I’m pretty sure she thinks the “I love you”s are for her because she always waves to me before she drives off. I don’t mind. Everyone deserves to feel loved. Or waved at. Or both.
But there was still the matter of little Fievel Mousekewitz…
I shuddered at the thought of him shivering in the cold… his tiny little heart beating extra fast to try to compensate the warmth… so we drove back to the house together… I, vowing to let him loose outside during the warmer part of the day so he has some time to go house hunting before the chill bites back.
…which brings us to now. Rice cake tidbits, tea, and Norah Jones sing-alongs. It looks like I found myself a little manuscript buddy today and he found a new lease on life [and is now using some of the cotton balls and napkins I gave him to make a mouse-sized pillow fort].
Sincerely,
me.
***before anyone gets on me about feeding a mouse rice cakes… rest assured… they were gluten-freeand little Fievel was released back into the wild the same day... after it warmed up a little bit.***
Kaleidoscopic Grace 