Tag: loss during pregnancy

Posted in Dear Mom

21 October 2020: It’s Dad’s birthday.

Posted on by Kaleidoscopic Grace

Dear Mom,

It’s Dad’s birthday.
You already know that.

It feels weird to say “happy birthday” to him when I know that it’s not natural for him to be happy without you. You’ve never missed a birthday since the two of you have known each other… over 40 years.

I’m happy he was born. Without his birthday, he wouldn’t be here (obviously), I wouldn’t be here… the girls wouldn’t be here… and our lives wouldn’t exist as we know them… but it’s difficult to see silver linings when the sunshine is hidden away from the clouds. Reflections need light.

Today also marks Norah’s 20 weeks… and as Bon Jovi would say, “Whooooah, we’re half way there… whooo-OAH… livin’ on a prayer!”

20 more weeks (give or take) until we get to meet her.
She’s 10 inches long and about the size of an axolotl (I had to look it up).

I wonder if you’ve somehow ‘met’ her already… I’m not quite sure how that works exactly, but I know you’re looking out for us. I can feel it.

We already love our mini-girl so much and were able to feel her rolling around and kicking last night.

Machaela said that she’s going to teach her everything she knows and train her to be her protégé. Aria said that she’s going to be the best big sister ever and she’s going to be nicer to her than Machaela is. I think they’re both going to do just fine when she’s here and holdable. They are always sure to include her in conversation… it’s the sweetest thing. You’d be proud.

I started knitting Norah’s blanket the other day… I work on it one row at a time when I can sneak a couple minutes away from life’s typical chaos. I hope it’ll turn out alright.

It won’t be as comforting as your lullabies or as warm as your hugs, but it’s a start.

I miss you.

Love always,
“Pookie”

Posted in Dear Mom

15 October 2020: She saw her move.

Posted on by Kaleidoscopic Grace 
Norah Jane at 13 weeks... back at the beginning of September, before we knew her name. 

I took this video of my ultrasound because my family wasn't allowed in with me. 

I wanted to be able to show the girls their baby sibling, our parents their new grandbaby, etc. and of course Daddy needed to see his little one too. ♡

I sent this video to my Mom right after I showed it to Nate and the girls... it was the last one she saw of the baby... then I updated her when the lab results came back saying she's a girl (we didn't know at the time of this ultrasound). My Mom was overjoyed to be able to see her grandbaby in motion... "so active!", "I never got to see you girls quite like this when I was pregnant with you." 

It baffled us both that there are still people in the world who could witness such a miracle of life and see anything but. Life is precious. 

So while I'm heartbroken that my Mom isn't here for the rest of this journey (and goodness how it aches), I am thankful that she got to 'meet' our blessing in her own way and that little Norah was able to bring extra joy and love to her life... even while still in the womb.

I'm sharing this special moment because it's one of those little happy thoughts I cling to when discouragement tries to keep me focused on my Mom's absence instead of all the ways she was present. ♡ And still is... just a little differently.  Keep reminding me, please.