For the past two years, this week of dates... from my Mom's birthday on the 8th to her post-transplant birthday on the 19th... has been a mental, emotional, and even spiritual struggle for me. And I'm going to be candid about it.
Three years ago, those 11 days were filled with so much hope. I was absolutely convinced that everything would be successful and we'd have extra years with her. I had so much faith.
They said the transplant was a success. They said it worked. And I couldn't stop praising God for it. So many answered prayers for so many people over my Mom's health.
After what felt like ages but was less than a few months after the bone marrow transplant, she was able to come back home [I had moved to Charleston, SC by then]. In August, after Nathan proposed to me, she excitedly agreed to be my matron of honor. She also knew there would be another little one joining the family--a baby girl. And she knew her name would be "Norah," but she didn't know her middle name yet. It's "Jane," just like hers.
We joked about my DNA taking over her body and wondered if that meant she would start liking the same songs I do--even if she didn't before. I kept asking her to listen to this one song on my modern 'Jazz' playlist periodically--just to check. I don't know that it would most accurately be categorized as jazz though... it was more like a contemporary-hipster-funk song with random repetitive lyrics like "put it in my pocket in my pocket in my back pocket"... about a 'Circle yes or no' letter. She would always laugh when it came on because it was such a ridiculous song. I kid you not, it was actually called "Back Pocket." I thought it was catchy. I told her that when she started liking that song, it meant my DNA finally won out completely and we would basically be clones of each other at that point. [Of course, that's not exactly how it works, but we had fun with our interpretation.]
We planned visits for "after the whole corona-thing blows over" and her immune system was back in tip-top shape. Her doctors were keeping an eye out for GVHD (Graft versus Host Disease) which can be fairly common in various severities after a transplant. It started presenting on her skin in patches. But they treated it. She never let on that it was anything besides a minor inconvenience. A hiccup. I didn't take it seriously. I had all of that faith, remember? So I spent our conversations reaching out to her as my confidant. So much time wasted complaining to her... and I know now that she never saw it that way... she saw it as me allowing her to be my mom--even as a mother myself... and she saw it as her daughter loving and needing her... as a chance to connect and be there for me and pray for me and offer advice and encouragement. She was so good at it, too. It was never wasted time for her.
But just a few weeks later, the complications got worse. She waited at the hospital one day... all the way in Philly from the Poconos... for hours... HOURS... all day/night in an uncomfortable chair... mixed in with the general population when she was meant to be isolated... just to get sent home instead of admitted--when they should have kept her there. I remember my Dad sending me a picture of her with a text to update us on what was going on. She was covered up as best as they could, sitting in a corner with a mask on--as far away from everyone else as possible. She looked so frail. But I had faith. I kept telling myself... telling everyone that it would be okay... "because it just HAS to be..."
A couple days later, she was back in Philadelphia; her condition had declined in the absence of medical care.
But I'm not writing this openly to talk about her physical condition... this is about my spiritual one.
After my Mom passed away, my faith changed. I started allowing myself to entertain thoughts of, "Well, look where your faith got you. Your Mom is gone. What good did any of those prayers do after all?" or "Why would you even offer to pray for anyone? They've already seen that the ones for your Mom didn't work..." and the longer and longer I let them linger, the stronger those thoughts became. I allowed myself to feel like a fraud--diminishing my own beliefs over it all. And it pushed me away from my Creator.
I told myself I wasn't mad at God. I told myself the usual placations and kindnesses, "It just wasn't meant to be..." "She's in a better place now and free from pain" [which she definitely is], "She's still watching over you..."
I know she's with Jesus. I know she's free from pain and sadness. And while I don't believe she turned into an angel (Psalm 8:5, 1 Corinthians 6:3) or interferes with earthly things, I believe she already sees the whole picture (unlike us), knows about her littlest grandchildren, and knows that even in the midst of lifeās heartaches and trials, God is still working behind the scenes just like He did for her, so there truly are no tears in Heaven (Revelation 21:4).
But still, I questioned my own faith. My own prayers. Those thoughts really can run you for a loop if you're not careful about forcing the bad ones out (Philippians 4:8).
Something stopped me in my tracks this morning though. I heard a song that was popular when I was in middle school and became a favorite to sing together with the track while we waited at the bus stop before school. "God of Wonders" ... My mom would always lift her hands--with the car in park, or do that quirky sort of signature recoil clap motion we'd poke fun at her for (if you ask me in person, I'll show you what it looked like)--no matter who was around. I'd sing and play the egg shaker for our audience of One.
She claimed she wasn't a musician and that she had zero musical talent (except for the triangle she would ring for dinnertime every so often if we were playing outside), but my Mom lived out her worship in so many other ways. I understand it now. She kept an atmosphere of praise in our home with worship music on cassette--or later on CD--playing during the waking hours of the day.
And even though my Dad was the one directly on the worship team (my favorite drummer ever), my mom was there too, behind the scenes, back in the overhead-projector days...making sure the printed lyric transparencies shifted, swapped, and repeated when necessary in order for the congregation to follow along seamlessly without any fumbles or distractions. All while doing that quirky clap motion. I have no doubt that her worship was a sweet aroma to the Lord.
And unlike the funky-jazz-like song about jean pockets, we both loved "God of Wonders". Her favorite was when Mac Powell would sing. Mine, too. We'd listen on repeat until the bus's headlights came into view through the trees and I had to reluctantly go to school.
I heard a version of this song today that I'd never heard before. But Mac Powell was still singing and the pieces all just seemed to click into place. My heart was ready to listen again with a fresh perspective.
Halfway through the song, I realized that there's a difference between faith and denial, even though it's easy for the two to get mixed up sometimes:
Denial says, "If I don't want something to happen, it can't."
Faith says, "I know bad things happen. I know the enemy attacks. I know the threats are real, but I know that my God is bigger than anything and everything we come up against and His ways are higher than ours" (Isaiah 55:8-9).
So even though I thought I was--I wasn't operating entirely in faith back then. And through my denial, I was minimizing the situation--therefore, minimizing God's greatness and carving my own idols in the process.
I wasn't trusting Him. I was trusting myself, thinking that if I just manifested enough positivity... if I just wanted it badly enough not to be real, it would happen the way I planned.
Pastor Trent said something yesterday at church that struck more than just a few chords. He said, "You'll only worship what you're in awe of."
I had to write it down. Because it's true.
I stopped being in awe of God's wonders because I started looking inward instead of up. (Proverbs 9: 8-10)
"You'll only worship what you're in awe of."
Then, Lord, let me forever stand in the amazement of You.
Forever a work in progress,
Elisha
---
Lord of all creation
Of water, earth, and sky
The heavens are Your tabernacle
Glory to the Lord on High
God of wonders beyond our galaxy
You are holy, holy
The universe declares Your majesty
You are holy, holy
Lord of heaven and earth
Lord of heaven and earth
Early in the morning
I will celebrate the light
And as I stumble through the darkness
I will call Your name by night
God of wonders beyond our galaxy
You are holy, holy
The universe declares Your majesty
You are holy, holy
Lord of heaven and earth
Lord of heaven and earth
Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth
Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth
Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth
Precious Lord, reveal Your heart to me
Father, holy, holy
You are holy, holy
Dear Mom,
You crossed my mind again today... as if there is ever a day when you don't. Maybe it was because of the dream I had last night... maybe it was because I remembered back to this time two years ago and how different my life was... how different I was.
I wouldn't have thought I'd be here, living in South Carolina of all the seemingly random places... in Charleston... like the dance move you showed me during spring cleaning when I made that silly video of you and I laughed saying, "well I've never been there, so I doubt I'll ever need to know this dance". But here I am... married to my childhood sweetheart, blessed with three daughters... living in Charleston, South Carolina of all places.
And while so much has changed over these past couple years, there are parts that stayed the same... like this song from the CD you gave me because you said the album made you think of me and what I was going through during that worrisome period of my life. And my need to remind myself daily to cast my cares and lay them all down at His feet... instead of stubbornly thinking that I can do it all on my own... and failing on my own.
Thank you for the songs... and thank you for the lessons. I paid attention more than you thought... and I'm happy you taught me the Charleston dance. š
I miss you, Mom.
Love always,
"Pookie"
Dear Mom,
The morning started off normal enough. Fed the baby, helped Aria get ready for school and to the bus on time, strapped Norah into her car seat, made sure Machaela didn't forget anything, and started the car.
Your Van Morrison CD had been playing for a while, so I switched albums to Lauren Daigle ... the one you introduced me to back in 2019 when I was struggling in the aftermath of life-altering chaos. I pressed shuffle.
"Still Rolling Stones" started playing as Machaela buckled her seat belt and made sure she had her mask. She said that she thought it would be a great song to sing for the next talent show at school. I asked her if she knew what "You're still rolling stones" meant... so we discussed lyrics as we waited for the light to turn green at the intersection. By then, the song "Rescue" came on:
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS"The light turned green and my foot pressed down on the gas pedal.
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
Except, there was a car coming from the other way that should've been slowing down; it wasn't. It was running the perpendicular red light while I was driving through the green one. The car stopped just in time. I don't know how it was able to do that as fast as it was charging through the intersection, but it did.
"It's true, I will rescue you" ... the song kept playing.
And I was reminded exactly how it happened.
When I pulled back into the driveway, I parked the car and tears started streaming down my face. I heard a sweet voice singing, "Look Up Child"... and when I did... I saw you there. I miss you, Mom.
Love always,
"Pookie"
Dear Mom,
Itās Sunday. I have a newfound appreciation for the expert way youād wrangle Jenn, Tris, and I together to help us get readyāand yourselfāto leave the house early enough for us to get to church on timeā¦ Whenever weāre the first ones ready, I hear you saying, āAll your father has to do is get himself ready and heās STILL the last one out!ā I think I might have even said something similar to the girls today tooā¦ but about Nate. I thought of you.
I wanted to go to church today, but at the same time, I had a feeling that Pastor Trent or the worship team, or SOMEONE would say something that would just set off the tears Iād been holding back. You know how I hate crying around people. I almost cried during praise and worship when we sang, āWeāre gonnaā see a victory! Weāre gonnaā see a victory! For the battle belongs to the Lord!...ā
The last time we sang that song was two weeks ago, but it meant something different to me then. Two weeks ago, I was praying that song in my heart, sobbing at the altar for your healing. Last Sunday, Dad, Jenn, Tris, and I were at the funeral home making plans for your burial.
On the surface, this Sunday didnāt feel like weād seen much of a victoryāat least not in the way I prayed for. I felt bad for even thinking that. I almost wrote out a prayer request not to be mad at God for not answering my prayers the way I believed He would.
And then, the musicians started playing a song Machaela introduced me to months ago that she heard in youth group that really spoke to me. Do you remember āWay Makerā? I had you listen to it before. And played it for you in the hospital. And again, at your funeral service. I had never heard the worship team play it before during Sunday service, but they did today.
Part of it goes like this:
Way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper Light in the darkness My God, that is who You are Even when I don’t see it, You’re working Even when I don’t feel it, You’re working You never stop, You never stop working You never stop, You never stop working
“Way Maker” – Leeland
I donāt know why God chose not to work a miracle in your healing here on Earth. I know that Iāve felt betrayedālike He broke His promiseā¦ and I still struggle with that emotion sometimes and have to remind myself that even though I donāt always see or feel it, Heās working in our lives.
They played the song again at the end of service tooā¦ I really needed to hear it again. And this time, as I sang with my eyes closed, trying to hold back tearsā¦ I felt such a warm, compassionate hug. I didnāt even have to open my eyes to know which of my church sisters it was. And Iām telling you, Mom, that if nothing else, I needed to be there today for that hug. And that song. And for Pastor Trent to talk about the importance of praiseāeven when you feel like youāre stuck in a rut, or in a pitā¦ surrounded by darkness. In the midst of it all, sing praise.
Iāve been noticing a lot of things about myself lately that remind me of you. Even some of the things I never used to understandāor even be slightly irritated over as a kidā¦ guess whatā¦ I do them too. Like today, after churchā¦ after we got home and the girls started audibly getting on each otherās nervesā¦ I heard you doing that thing youād always do when Tris and I would argue and your patience was running thinā¦ the casual prayer voiceā¦ āGod, give me patience with these WONDERFUL children You gave meā¦ā except I was the one saying it. And they were the ones looking at me like I had twelve heads.
I get it now. It wasnāt easy raising three girls whose personalities tended to clash at the most inconvenient times. If you prayed for me to be able to understand those struggles āone dayāā¦ I guess God answered that one because thatās about to be me tooā¦ Well played, Momā¦ well played.
I miss you.
Love always,
āPookieā
This is the actual version of the song… not my half-singing between tears version.
When I was 10 months old, I had a hernia operation. The hairline scar grew with me throughout adolescence--and so has my love for giraffes.
Let me explain. It was during that hospital stay when my parents presented me with a tiny little plush giraffe--one that looks almost like it was crafted in the style of a Precious Moments character and was probably almost as tall as I was at that age. I was fascinated. As soon as I was able to form words on my own, I called him "Joshy".
Fast-forward through various holidays, birthdays, and souvenir-shop endeavors... from family members, friends, and even acquaintances... I was surrounded by giraffes. Drawings, figurines, stuffed animals, bedspreads (ironically enough, I don't actually particularly fancy animal print patterns), I amassed quite an inadvertent collection.
I even remember the best Christmas gift my parents had ever gotten for me. I don't remember exactly how old I was though-- nine? We were walking through a local warehouse-turned-flea-market... and in one of the stands in a display case (it's funny how I can still picture it in my mind so many years later)... on the top glass shelf on the left-hand side, behind a folded pocket knife that was meant to look like it was decorated by a mosaic of ebony/ivory... a forest scene, perhaps (it's neat how as you grow and learn more, your mind is able to fill in the gaps of childhood memories), rested the most beautiful snow globe I had ever seen in my life.
The base was etched with jungle foliage--deep shades of green; it reminded me of the movie "Jumanji". Underneath the dome stood an acacia tree (I was a giraffe "know it all" and decided that it just HAD to be an acacia tree since that's their favorite snack) beside a mother giraffe and her calf. The thin filaments of confetti in the water gave off an aura of enchantment. But there was more. When the silver oblong crank on the bottom of the base was twisted (my parents had the man behind the counter try it out), the song "Close to You" by The Carpenters chimed out in a lilting fashion (depending on how many times the gear triggers were raveled). That was the first time I witnessed real magic.
We left without it, though. I was crushed. I remember moping the entire way back home in the car--sandwiched between my older sisters in the back seat--probably playing a not-so-endearing 'game' of elbow wars and "she's taking up too much room and squishing me!". Forlorn and grumpier than ever.
When we went back some time later--it was already gone. My heart shattered.
After a while, I forgot about it--at least in the foreground of my mind. Months went by and winter came around. That Christmas--after all of the other gifts were unwrapped--there was one more with my name on it. "Pookie" [stop laughing; it's what my whole family called/calls me and I still don't quite understand why]. It was the snow globe. My parents were the ones who bought it from the vendor--they just held onto it all that time--letting me think it was gone forever.
The giraffes always symbolized my Mom and I... and "Close to You" became our song. I've moved around quite a bit since then... even across the country for a while... still, that snow globe stays with me.
But this story isn't about the globe.
It's about a different journey... one that has been in the works for over a year now. I was waiting for it to sink in. And by all other facets of realization--it should have by now. But it hasn't. Not yet.
My Mom--the same woman I've inherited my overabundant love of sentimentality from--the one who could turn a few dollars into a most cherished treasure just by putting some extra special touches to it... like a handwritten note or a stuffed-animal introduction and full imaginative backstory (yes, Mom, I'm talking about "Millie Ford" the giraffe)--she needs me now. After all of the hell I put her through growing up... even as far back as her high risk and complication-filled pregnancy with me... I finally have a chance to say 'thank you' and 'I love you' in a way that I never thought would be possible. I'm lucky.
In just a few weeks, I'm going to be the bone marrow transplant donor of the woman who battled through all of the worries, fears, emergencies, hospital stays, and obstacles just to bring me into this world. Her blood cells are going to essentially become replications of mine--we'll be sharing DNA on a whole different level. I hadn't realized that our song, "Close to You" would foreshadow an eventual symbiosis--it's even more perfect now.
The other day, while I was sitting downstairs at the kitchen table, my parents walked up to me with a small box--my Mom with a knowing smirk on her face. There might have even been the hint of a tear forming in the corner of her eye--the one she can't quite wink properly... I looked at her, not sure of the occasion, and lifted the lid. Inside was a delicately formed gold necklace... two giraffes... a mother and her baby... their heads nestled together to form a heart.
She said that she wanted to find a small way to show me how much it means to her that I was a match for the transplant and willing to go through with it [as if I ever wouldn't have]. My sister, Tristina (the same one I was undoubtedly elbowing in the back seat of the station wagon on the melancholy drive home from the flea market that one afternoon when I was nine years old) helped her find just the thing. A forever reminder of our Mother/Daughter journeys throughout the years and all of the adventures we have yet to look forward to together. I started to cry. It's perfect.
---
Why do birds suddenly appearEvery time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
---
I love you, Mom.
I love you, Dad.
[I even love you, Jenny and Trissy.]
We're going to get through this.
Kaleidoscopic Grace 