Dear Mom, I miss you. We're in the hospital right now... the doctor said, "It's showtime." I know you're here too... your youngest daughter giving birth to her youngest daughter... but I still wish you were here. I love this picture of us together right after I was born. ♡ They made me take off the necklace you gave me, but I still have it with me. I love you Mom. I can't wait to tell you all about it. We'll talk more later... but for now, it's showtime. ♡ Love always, "Pookie"
Dear Mom, I can hardly believe that in less than two days, I have the honor of marrying the first boy I ever had a crush on. You always had a soft spot in your heart for him... the cute little redhead who kept smiling at me during church... even back when we were kids. You weren't surprised in the least when we reconnected over twenty years later... when we fell head over heels for each other... again... or when he proposed on the Isle of Palms. I remember your excitement when we called you afterwards... I remember our long talks about how much you were looking forward to recovering well enough to be able to be next to me when we exchange our vows. My matron of honor... and I know that you WILL be there, smiling down on us... probably saying, "Well, it's about time! I told you he was a keeper!" It's going to be just us, the girls... our family... and even though we won't be able to celebrate in person with all of our friends and loved ones until after the pandemic retreats, it'll still be as perfect as can be. I haven't finished writing my vows yet... I have so much of my heart to share--too much to fit into the span of a mere couple of minutes. I wish I could read them to you... so you can tell me if I'm being too funny when I should be serious... or being too serious when I should lighten up... but I think you would say to let my heart speak for itself instead of trying to nitpick at words. There are less than two days until my first ever boyfriend also becomes my last... and I can hardly wait to tell you all about it. ♡ I miss you, Mom. Love always, "Pookie"
Dear Mom,
It’s Dad’s birthday.
You already know that.
It feels weird to say “happy birthday” to him when I know that it’s not natural for him to be happy without you. You’ve never missed a birthday since the two of you have known each other… over 40 years.
I’m happy he was born. Without his birthday, he wouldn’t be here (obviously), I wouldn’t be here… the girls wouldn’t be here… and our lives wouldn’t exist as we know them… but it’s difficult to see silver linings when the sunshine is hidden away from the clouds. Reflections need light.
Today also marks Norah’s 20 weeks… and as Bon Jovi would say, “Whooooah, we’re half way there… whooo-OAH… livin’ on a prayer!”
20 more weeks (give or take) until we get to meet her.
She’s 10 inches long and about the size of an axolotl (I had to look it up).
I wonder if you’ve somehow ‘met’ her already… I’m not quite sure how that works exactly, but I know you’re looking out for us. I can feel it.
We already love our mini-girl so much and were able to feel her rolling around and kicking last night.
Machaela said that she’s going to teach her everything she knows and train her to be her protégé. Aria said that she’s going to be the best big sister ever and she’s going to be nicer to her than Machaela is. I think they’re both going to do just fine when she’s here and holdable. They are always sure to include her in conversation… it’s the sweetest thing. You’d be proud.
I started knitting Norah’s blanket the other day… I work on it one row at a time when I can sneak a couple minutes away from life’s typical chaos. I hope it’ll turn out alright.
It won’t be as comforting as your lullabies or as warm as your hugs, but it’s a start.
I miss you.
Love always,
“Pookie”
Dear Mom, I tried to alter my perspective a bit this weekend. I've been sad so often... and I still am... but instead of dwelling on all of the moments in life we are forced to experience WITHOUT you, I've been trying to focus on all of the subtleties and joys in life I'm able to notice and appreciate BECAUSE of you. Time with family... silly jokes with the girls... bonding with my sisters over your favorite recipes... they're not to be overlooked. On Friday night, we went to a drive-in movie with friends... even sang in the car with the windows rolled down on the way there... like we used to before. When I packed the car to get ready, I tried to think ahead and bring enough blankets, pillows, and snacks for everyone... plus a few extra sweatshirts... just like you would've. "Be prepared for everything," right? It had me thinking about how you made motherhood look effortless. When Aria wanted to snuggle instead of watch parts of the movie (even though I had never seen it before), I remembered your selflessness... always putting your children first... even in the little things. On Saturday, we started gutting our pumpkins to prepare them for being carved (the girls were grossed out by the sliminess at first... it was amusing) and accepted an invite to our friends' house for a BBQ. As the girls were eating baked beans that night, they started singing the "Beanie Weenies" song that you taught them... even though there weren't any hot dogs. They thought of you. Your granddaughters miss you a lot too. I also started knitting Norah's blanket--or trying to. I know I could just buy her one... that it would take much less time that way, but the true gift is in the sentiment. The first baby blanket I ever made was when I was pregnant with Machaela, the second, with Aria, and now this one, for Norah Jane... each using different materials and techniques to symbolize the uniqueness of each child. You taught me fairness. You taught me that love and effort is more precious than superficiality. You taught me that life is beautiful in all its many forms. Yesterday, we went to church together. We were a few minutes late, but for the first time, I didn't mind. Nathan surprised me with being able to sleep in and instructed the girls not to wake me up until after he finished making us all a nice hearty breakfast. We sat down to eat together and talk for a while. It didn't even bother me this time that we were a little late for church... I was surrounded by God's love in our home. Afterwards, we came back to finish our pumpkins. Nate taught Aria how to use an electric leaf blower and she helped him with the yard... even raking a few leaf piles to run through and jump in. Machaela helped gather some pecans from under the trees and grumbled at the squirrels for wasting food [They'd chew holes through the tops of the shells and toss them aside]. I loved hearing them laugh and giggle. It was sunny and beautiful. At one point, Nathan found a lovely shell by the garden and showed it to the girls... but there was a catch... it wasn't empty! They rinsed it off to discover the biggest garden snail any of us had ever seen! You'd have loved their fascination with their newfound creature friend. They named him "Gary" and he's going to stay with us for a while. You'd approve. We hear the wind chimes a lot when the breezes trickle through... the girls say, "Hi Nonnie! We love you too!" every time. Sometimes Aria even chimes them back. It's a comfort. You loved the outdoors more than anywhere else. So many things remind me of you. Even in my children... even sometimes in myself, too. More comfort. I'm learning that perspective relies heavily on our choice of preposition. Some days, I'm sure I will still feel like we're without you... but even on the loneliest of days, your presence, love, and memory is still within us and around us in all of the little things we do. This week, we'll be following your home roasted pumpkin seed recipe. I miss you, Mom. We all do. Love always, "Pookie" [P.S.- I shared your recipe for my friends to try too. I know you wouldn't mind... you loved being able to help others.] ♡
Dear Mom, She can hear me now. I can feel her moving around throughout the day like a reassuring hug as if to say, "I'm here, too." Life. Hers. Not even born yet, but still very much alive. We both stayed by your bedside for those final hours on this side of eternity. Room 1414. I wonder if she heard the resonance of the songs we sang to you. I wonder if you heard me whisper her name in your ear. "Norah Jane". Norah ... "full of light and wisdom". Brightness in the middle of darkness. And she is. Jane means "God is merciful and gracious". And He is... even when the reasoning surpasses my own understanding. But to me, "Jane" also represents the strongest most selfless woman I've ever known. You. I can't help but to feel the gravity. She isn't born yet but was still by your side when you were called away. I wonder if she felt my heart sink as I watched yours beat its last. Did she hear the echoes of mourning as the doctor came into the room to announce your time of death? Could she sense the angels rejoicing at your Heavenly birth? Light in the presence of darkness. I know that you loved her already, but your absence from the rest of this journey still aches. We miss you, Mom. Love always, "Pookie"
I'm sorry for any confusion; there really hasn't been an appropriate time to make a special announcement with everything going on the past few months... so we were going to wait a while longer. But my Mom's writeup in the "Morning Call" sort of made the announcement for us. My Mom would have wanted it written that way, though. She believed that each life is precious right from the start... even before birth [and so do I]. She was already excited to meet her newest grandbaby in 2021... we talked about different name suggestions and their meanings; she was never bashful about telling me which combinations sounded weird or if the potential initials/monogram would spell out an uncouth acronym. While I stood next to my Mom's bedside early Thursday morning, I leaned over to whisper the name we chose for our little girl. So, yes... "Norah Jane" is ours... and she is named after the most remarkable woman I've ever known... Patty Jane Terry. ♡
Kaleidoscopic Grace 